Confessions of a Stepmom

Today, I'm linking up to Kelly's Korner-SUYL-Stepmoms Connect.
Being a stepmom is the hardest job I've ever had.

First off, James is an awesome kid and very affectionate. He is so sweet and compassionate toward me, his dad, his friends, and his animals. We get along so well, that I often wonder if I could love a child of my own as much as I love him {of course I could, but I have no comparison}. He's my little monster and I'm his Jenn.
We have full custody of him and have for the past 2 1/2 years. His egg donor {I cannot refer to her as mom, I have NO respect for her!} is supposed to have standard visitation but hasn't exercised that right in over 2 years. She has not paid one cent toward his child support, hasn't seen James in over a year, and talks to him sporadically on the phone, whenever she feels like it. I do not understand how a mother can treat her own son like that. We've been through many ups and many more downs with her. I have all but given up hope she will ever be the kind of mother James deserves.

I guess when I got married, I was under the impression everything would be rosy. We would all get along and things would be just perfect. I quickly realized that's not the kind of situation we had. My heart broke for James every time I would pick him up for our weekend and he would tell me things about his mom and the way they lived. In time, the egg donor decided to give him to us. That's the best decision she's ever made.

I may not be called 'mom,' but I do everything a mother does for her child. I love him unconditionally.  I tuck him in at night. I read stories to him. I help with homework. I take him to every practice, every game. I would rather buy him something than spend money on myself. I plan play dates and sleepovers. I throw awesome birthday parties. I am here to listen and hold him when he's upset about something. I make sure he has everything he needs. I protect him.

Here are some things I've learned:

• Never, ever bad mouth or put down the other parent in front of the child. No matter what your opinion is, I think it's best to let the child form his own opinion of the parent {good or bad}. In time, a person's true colors shine through and the child will see that one day.
• Don't push being called a certain name {Mom, Momma, Superwoman, whatever}. The title was never important to me, so I left it up to James and I'm his Jenn.
• Keep records of everything. No matter how minute you think the situation is, write it down.
• Don't take things personal. This has been a hard lesson for me. I have been called every name under the sun and I used to let things bother me. But, you know what? I will never regret doing everything in my power to provide a stable, healthy life for James. Every harsh word just reminds me I'm 1000x the parent she is.
• Just because the parent doesn't want to be involved doesn't mean her {or his} family feels the same way. James has an awesome aunt, uncle, and cousin that he just adores. I cannot imagine them not being in James' life. And, as result, they have become some of our best friends! As I always tell James, the people who want to be in your life will find a way.
• Go with your gut. If something about a situation doesn't feel right, do you research and get to the bottom of it. It may not make you popular, but you will never have to wonder what if I could have done something and I didn't?
• The other parent may not have the same values, so you must work that much harder to teach your children respect. I used to feel like I had to 'undue' the damage she had done. Thankfully, he lives with us now, so it's not really an issue anymore. We went from a kid who wanted to wear gothic clothes and play video games to a boy who loves UnderArmour and Nike and would rather be outside than stuck indoors. He wants to go to college. I'm so proud of him!
• Know that the child will always have a special place in his or her heart for their biological parents. If you try to take that away, you will never win. The best you can hope for is to love them with all your heart and show them that you are there for them no matter what.

Every situation is different. What works for me, may not be the same things that work for you. No one truly knows what it feels like to be in your shoes. I have had a long, hard road of accepting things that I can't change about another person. We had a happy ending. We got our son out of a less than ideal living situation. As a result, he's a smart, respectful, happy little boy. I know his egg donor makes him sad, so I try twice as hard to make him happy and show him he's surrounded by love. I don't do the things I do for any kind of recognition. I don't do them to show off or lead people to believe we live a certain way. I do it because James deserves it. I have the chance to really shape his life and raise him to be a successful adult. I never thought in a million years I'd be stepmom, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. One smile, one hug from him makes me forget all the bad. I love you my little munchkin, my little monster, my monkey moo {ok, enough with the cutesy nicknames}.